Self-Blame: Are You Serving it Up This Thanksgiving?
10 Signs You Are a Doormat:
#3-BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
Whether there’s self-blame for everything or, as in #4, accepting blame from others, recognize that they are two sides of a single coin.
HOME: WHERE DOORMATS ARE BORN
Many of you will be home for Thanksgiving, back where doormats were born. My clients share that they don’t know what happens to them once home. They exhibit childhood behaviors and become competitive fools or agonize over self-esteem issues. Birth order is suddenly important again and the desire to be the “favorite” rears its ugly Dragon head.
Here’s an empowering experiment for Thanksgiving as a Recovering Doormat.
Observe yourself and others as if you’re a scientist collecting data for your research.The scientist is not part of the data, but a neutral observer who records information used to either support or debunk the hypothesis. Record your experiment in a journal.
STEP ONE: HYPOTHESIS
Before Thanksgiving, state your hypothesis.
I blame myself for everything because…
What is your theory about self-blame? Did someone else blame you for everything so you took it on? Was it “easier” to self-blame? Was it because you’re the oldest? the youngest? the middle child? Did you think you’d be loved or accepted? What have you believed all of these years?
STEP TWO: LISTEN FOR SELF-BLAME
You may take on responsibility that isn’t even yours. On Thanksgiving, as the Neutral Observer, record your self-blaming thoughts.
Do you really think their NFL team lost because you didn’t wear the right colors? Did Mom’s stuffing fail because you suggested a new recipe? Did tempers flare because you asked about who’s shopping on Black Friday?
If things truly are your fault (you said you’d listen for the timer on the muffins, you forgot and they burned) consider what happened that threw you off course.
STEP THREE: LISTEN FOR BLAME FROM OTHERS
With your scientist goggles on, you may be incredulous about what you get blamed for!
Maybe you wanted to break with tradition and asked Mom to reduce the butter in her sweet potato casserole. No one liked it. Your fault. Maybe you asked to eat earlier or later because your kids need to nap. Record what you get blamed for, even if it’s said as a “joke.”
STEP FOUR: ASSESS HOW THIS HAS SHAPED YOU
After Thanksgiving, take a look at how this information has shaped you.
Revisit ways in which you gave yourself up, changed to please others, and were not your authentic self.
STEP FIVE: ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF
Make a conscious decision about how to advocate for yourself going forward.
DISCLAIMER: Information on this site is provided for informational purposes only and is not meant to substitute for the advice provided by your own physician or other medical professional.